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[wally]

Aging Gracefully

A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an elderly lady with a contented smile on her face sitting on her front step. He stopped, greeted her, and commented how happy she looked. The doctor asked, "Would you share your secret of life?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, yell obscenities at my neighbors, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

Wally

[wally]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St.. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes..'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention !


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension




2. It chatters
constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much



4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

[Pebbles]

3 Blokes had a fishing weekend planed for months. The day before they are about to leave, Steves wife puts her foot down and told him he cant go. The others are upset but head of anyway. They arrive at the remote campsite to find Steve there with the fire lit and having a can.

"How did you talk her into letting you go?"

Steve replies, "Well after you guys left she took me into the bedroom which was covered in rose petals and candles burning, she then wanted me to hand cuff her to the bed, she then seductively whispered do what ever you want..."

"So im here fellas!"

[wally]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.."

[wally]

This letter was sent to the South Shields High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners.An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you..


Dear Shields High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Laygate home for Elderly Ladies. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.... I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to **** off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,

Ella.

[Goodoo haven]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,"Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[riley89]

Monkeys
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the
shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the other side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C-very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000. What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey. It can manage object-oriented programming. Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said
the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around it's neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an engineer."

[wally]

A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.”

“That's right,” said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”

[wally]

I was in Muffin Break in Centra Wodonga recently for a coffee and Blueberry muffin, when I suddenly realized I had a desperate need to fart. Their were a lot of people standing around and I didn't want to give up my seat.The music was really, really loud so I timed my farts with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me! And suddenly I remembered .....................
I was listening to my iPod

[dave.c]

CONDOM FACTORY BURNS DOWN IN NEW ZEALAND

John Keys, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

John, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !!

I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted baby Lambs.... W'e will be ruined."

Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutain ?"

PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"

PM: "I'll call Joolia Gillard. Tell her we need one million condoms, ten enches long and four enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."

Three days later, a delighted John rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

He finds one million condoms - 10 enches long, 4 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM