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Post a Joke......

Discussion in 'Chewing the fat' started by fisherman347, Oct 2, 2016.

  1. fisherman347

    fisherman347 Active Member

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    Hi all,we had this thread before with a lot of success, so why not have it again.I,ll kick things of with one of my own which I may add firstly that I invented myself. You see we have this fella were I work that's a bit of a clown, sometime ago we all went to the circus.When this man in question went to purchase his ticket,they said free admission for all staff.......cheer,s Murph.....
     
  2. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    The best I can come up with is "THE WEATHER". Cheers creekboy.
     
  3. Tinker

    Tinker Member

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    Nice day for a tan.
     

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  4. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

    They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

    The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

    Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off, however while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.

    Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

    After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

    Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
     
  5. kev209

    kev209 Moderator

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    Keep them coming
     
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  6. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

    The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

    The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

    The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair.

    Here's your money.' Bob replied, ‘I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.' The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
    Bob took the money.….
     
  7. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    An elderly man, looking about 100 years old, and on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at a set of traffic lights.

    The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

    The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars'

    'That's a lot of money,'
    says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?

    'Because this car can do up to 320 kilometres an hour!'
    states the doctor proudly.

    The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

    'No problem,'
    replies the doctor.

    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right.. But I'll stick with my Moped!'

    Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 160 kph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
    to be getting closer.He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH something whips by him going much faster!

    'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

    He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the
    Moped at 275 kph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped slams into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

    The old man whispers, 'Unhook my f*!king braces from your side mirror'
     
  8. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

    Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

    He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

    After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

    "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

    "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

    "They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"
     
  9. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    You certainly have not lost your touch, Jeff. Cheers, creekboy.
     
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  10. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Malcolm Turnbull called Bill Shorten into his office recently and said, ‘Bill, I have a great idea. We are going to all go out & talk to country voters.’

    ‘Good idea Malcolm, how will we go about it?’
    said Bill.

    ‘Well,’ said Malcolm, ’We’ll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick & an Akubra hat.

    'Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a typical old outback country pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.’

    ‘Right.’
    said Bill.

    Days later, all kitted out & with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
    Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a typical outback pub.
    They walked in with the dog & up to the bar.

    ’G’day mate,’ said Malcolm to the bartender, ‘two middies of your best beer.’

    ‘Good afternoon Malcolm,’
    said the bartender, ‘two middies of our best coming up.’

    Turnbull & Shorten stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now & again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
    All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
    He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.
    A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog & lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head & went back to the other bar.
    Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in & lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.
    Eventually, Turnbull and Shorten could stand it no longer & called the barman over.

    ‘Tell me,’ said Shorten, ‘why did all those old stockmen come in & look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?’

    ‘Strewth no,’
    said the barman. ‘Someone told ’em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes.’

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Malcolm Turnbull was asleep in his house and awoke to see Menzies' ghost.

    He asked, "Bob, how can I make this country better?"
    Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did."

    Malcolm went back to sleep, this time he woke to an image of John Howard at the end of his bed

    He asked, “John, how can I make this country better?
    John said, "Be honest with the people like I was."

    Again, Malcolm fell asleep and awoke this time to see Harold Holt and asked,

    "Harold, how can I make this country better?


    Harold replied, "Go for a swim like I did!"
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2017
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  11. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Two blokes, living in the Australian outback, saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England.
    She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.
    They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
    She says to them, “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen."

    After they show her their ankles, the Queen says, “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”

    Once she has seen their knees, she says, “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”

    Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other:,
    ”I reckon if we just had a bit more education, we would have got that job !!"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A traveller through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents at the airport.

    "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

    "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.

    "Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

    "But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other."

    "This I gotta see", replied the agent. With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind.


    "By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Melbourne"

    "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Melbourne?"

    The agent replied, "I recognised Shorten in the middle."
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2017
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  12. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    What Confucius Didn't Say:


    Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
    Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
    Man who runs in front of car gets tyred, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
    Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
    Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
    Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
    Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
    Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
    War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
    It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
    Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
    Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
    Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .
    "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
     
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  13. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    The Itch

    Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large magnificent breasts.

    Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

    One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, The King's chief doctor.

    Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

    The next day Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense.

    Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

    The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder,which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

    The Queen's itching was eventually relieved while Nick left satisfied and became hailed as a hero.

    Upon returning to his chamber Nick found Horatio demanding the payment of 1000 gold coins.

    With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh, told him to get lost.

    The next day Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

    The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

    The moral of the story............Pay your bills.
     
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  14. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
     
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  15. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
     
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  16. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    Another couple of rippers, good one, Noel. Cheers, creekboy.
     
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  17. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Three women met for lunch. One was engaged, one a businessman's mistress, the third has been married for 20 years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door dressed in a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask covering their eyes. They agreed to meet a few days later to exchange notes.
    The engaged friend went first, "The other night when my fiancé came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."
    Said the mistress, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."
    They turned to the married woman.
    "When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He just walked past me in the doorway and remarked 'What's for dinner, Zorro?"
     
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  18. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Have you ever wondered:-
    Why do you press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

    Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

    Why doesn’t someone believe you when you say there are four billion, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

    Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

    Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp?”

    We know the speed of light but what is the speed of darkness?

    Are there specially reserved parking spaces for ‘’normal’’ people at the Special Olympics?

    If you send someone “Styrofoam” how do you pack it?

    If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

    If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

    If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

    Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

    If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

    Do you cry under water?

    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    Why is it that people say they” sleep like a baby” when baby wake up every two hours?

    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
     
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  19. Rod Bender

    Rod Bender Well-Known Member

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    What do you get if you cross a bull terrier with a chicken? Just the bull terrier!:cool:
     
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  20. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Ha Ha Ha
     
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