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Fishing jokes

Discussion in 'Fishing General Chat' started by mack202, Aug 22, 2005.

  1. mack202

    mack202 Guest

    post your fishing jokes here.

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    One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside of a monastery. A monk came out and invited the man inside to have dinner and to spend the night. The stranded motorist gladly accepted the monk's offer.

    That evening the man had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef.

    Entering the kitchen, the man asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the chef replied, "I'm the chip monk."

    ------------------

    A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

    "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Deez here are my pet fish."

    "Pet fish?"

    Ya. Avery night I take deez here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

    The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

    "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

    The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

    "Well, what?" said the Cajun

    "When are you going to call them back?"

    "Call who back?"

    "The FISH!"

    "What fish?"

    Folks in Louisiana may not be as smart as some, but they aren't as dumb as most.

    ----------------------
     
  2. nuttered

    nuttered Guest

    A man fishing out on his boat sees that a priest fishing off the pier is not having much luck. He decides to ask the priest:

    "Father, would you like to come out on the boat with me, we might have better luck."
    The priest replies, "That would be lovely my dear sir."

    After only 2 minutes of fishing from the boat, the priest hooks a big snapper and reels him in. They get him in the boat and the other man can't believe the size of the fish and yells out, "Geez, look at the size of the f*cker!

    The priest is shocked at what he's just heard, and knowing this, the boat owner tries to cover it up by saying, "No, no, Father. That is the name of that fish."

    The priest beleives him, and after a bit more fishing with no further luck the priest thanks the man for letting him go out on the boat, and rides his bike back to his home with the fish he caught.

    He arrives back and greets the Brother and asks him to clean the fish they will be having fish for dinner. He says, "Look at the size of this f*cker!"
    The Brother is shocked but then the priest explains that it is what the fish is called.

    The Brother then takes the fish to the nun. He says, "We're having fish for dinner tonight. Father caught this huge f*ucker!" Again he expalins to the shocked nun that it is the name of the fish.

    That night, the Bishop had been invited over for dinner. The priest, brother and bishop are seated at the table, when the nun brings the dinner out from the kitchen and says, "Tonight for dinner, we are going to eat this huge f*cker." The bishop has a confused look on his face.

    The Priest says, "I caught the f*cker!"
    The Brother says, "I cleaned the f*cker!"
    and the Nun says, "and I cooked the f*cker!"

    The Bishop pauses for a minute, leans back in his chair, undoes the top two buttons on his pants, scratches his balls then farts.

    He then says, "You know... you c*nts are alright!"

    -----------------------------------------------

    Q. Where do the fish go when its raining?

    A. Under the bridge where they won't get wet!
     
  3. tex

    tex New Member

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    Aug 24, 2005
    nuttered, that is one of the funniest jokes I've heard in ages!
     
  4. aussiebasser

    aussiebasser New Member

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    Aug 28, 2005
    I was out fishing with a mate one day, and we weren’t doing much good. Me mate says to me “mate,†he says, “mate, can I borrow your lighter mate, I’m dying for a smoke mate, and I forgot mine mate.†I replied “mate,†I said “mate, sure thing, no problems, mate.†And I handed him my lighter. Now my lighter is about a foot long, and its one of those disposable ones. My mate says, “geez mate,†he says, “ mate, where the hell did you get that lighter from mate.†I replied “mate,†I said, “Mate my Genie gave it to me, mate.†To which my mate replied “mate,†he said “mate, quit pulling me leg mate, there’s no such thing as a Genie mate.†I said “mate,†I said, “mate would I lie to you mate. I’ve got my own Genie mate, always granting wishes mate.†My mate said “mate,†he says “prove it mate.†So I opened up my tackle box and my little Genie jumps out, and I says to me mate, “mate,†I says “mate see I told you mate, I do have a Genie mate, and just to show you what a good mate you are mate, I’ll let you have one wish from my little mate the Genie, mate.†My mate says “mate,†he says, “that’s bloody awesome mate, thanks mate, and for my wish mate, I wish I had a million bucks mate.†My little mate the Genie, clapped his hands three times and jumped back into the tackle box. A few minutes later, the sky turned really dark, and there was this tremendous flapping and quacking noise. All of a sudden the boat is covered in ducks. There’s black ducks, wood ducks, mountain ducks, whistling tree ducks, muscovies and teal. They’re bloody everywhere. Anyway, there’s eventually a million ducks hangin’ around the boat, ay mate says “mate,†he says, “mate, what the bloody hell is going on mate?†And I said to him “mate,†I said, “mate, I’m bloody sorry mate, I forgot to tell you that my Genie is a bit hard of hearing mate, do you think I would have asked for a 12 inch Bic ?â€Â
     
  5. TheBream

    TheBream New Member

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    Aug 24, 2005
    mate i say mate that has to be one of the funnest joke i have heard mate LOL
     
  6. Tee.Cee.

    Tee.Cee. New Member

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    Dec 29, 2006
    Antonio da fisherman is out in his boat drowning innocent worms. He goes below to make a coffee and finds himself standing ankle deep in water. He races back up the steps , grabs the radio and yells "mayday, mayday, mayday dis is Antonio da fisherman, I'ma sinking, somebody help me". Nothing, no reply.
    He goes below again only to find he is now knee deep in water. He gallops back up to the radio and screams "Mayday, mayday, mayday dis is Antonio da fisherman, I'ma sinking fast, somebody help me please, HELP!"
    The radio crackles and a faint voice replies " Antonio the fisherman this is Sea Rescue. We have received your mayday call and are sending our Fokker Friendship".
    Antonio screeched back " I don'ta wanta you Fokker Friendship, I wanta you Fokker help".
     
  7. ScottyP

    ScottyP New Member

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    Jan 22, 2007
  8. Tee.Cee.

    Tee.Cee. New Member

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    Dec 29, 2006
    If you know his name Scotty please tell me so I can stay home whenever he goes fishing.hehe.
    Trev.
     
  9. ScottyP

    ScottyP New Member

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    Jan 22, 2007
    HaHa sorry Trev, tried to ask but he was gone. Love to know who his jeweller his though. lol
     
  10. Tee.Cee.

    Tee.Cee. New Member

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    Dec 29, 2006
    Bummer!! That guys fangs and ear-rings are worth more than my boat and Hilux. I do think he needs a bigger boat tho. There can't be enough room for him AND that ego.
     
  11. ScottyP

    ScottyP New Member

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    Jan 22, 2007
    You are spot on there Tee Cee, tipping those motors arent cheap either. Any way i have to stop trolling through you tube, there is just too much funny stuff on there. Any way here is just one more i came accross. I know set lines and traps are a major problem and not to be joked about but thank f*?$ we don't have people fishing like this over here.;)



    YouTube - Afghani Soldiers Fishing with an RPG
     
  12. Tombowler76

    Tombowler76 EEEE OOORRR!

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    Jan 11, 2007
    Here's my fishing Joke, its pretty lame!!!! but anyway

    Twas a lovely day in Michigan, clear blue skys and crystal clear waters,
    A trout was swimming up stream when he noticed a fly buzzing about 3 inches above the water and the trout was thinking to himself:
    " Gee if that fly was to drop 3 inches i could swim up there and have myself a nice feed"
    But what the trout didnt know is that there was a grizzly bear watching and the grizzly was thinking:
    " Gee if that fly was to drop 3 inches the trout's gonna swim up and grab him and whilst he does that i'll be able to swipe the trout and have myself a nice feed"
    But what the Grizzly didnt know is that there was a hunter down stream about 100 yards hiding in the scrub and he was thinking:
    " Gee if that fly was to drop 3 inches the trout's gonna swim up and grab him and whilst he does that the Bears gonna grab the trout and i'll be able to shoot the Bear and have myself a good feed"
    But what the Hunter didnt know is that there was a mouse hiding under a rock and the mouse was thinking:
    " Gee if that fly drops 3 inches the trouts gonna have a feed, the Bears gonna get the trout and have a feed, the Hunter will shoot the Bear for a feed which means ill be able to run over and steal his cheese sandwiches and have myself a good feed."
    But what the mouse didnt know is that there was a cat on the other side of the scrub and he was thinking:
    " Gee if that fly drops 3 inches the trout will have a feed, the Bear a feed of Trout, the hunter a feed of Bear and the mouse a feed of the hunters cheese sandwiches and ill be able to grab the mouse and have myself a good feed"
    Anyway moments later the fly drops 3 inches, Trout grabs him, Bear grabs the trout, Hunter shoots the Bear and the mouse dives into his rucksack for the sangas, the cat takes off and trips on a log and ends up in the stream!

    Moral of the story?

    If ya fly drops 3 inches ya get a wet pussy!!!!!

    Ha :)
    Cheers
    Tom
     
  13. John Dory

    John Dory New Member

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    Dec 8, 2006
    yet more proof that americans are knobs........
     
  14. Tee.Cee.

    Tee.Cee. New Member

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    Dec 29, 2006
    onya Tom, nuthin' better than a happy ending.
     
  15. Tee.Cee.

    Tee.Cee. New Member

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    Dec 29, 2006
    No idea how strict the censors are but here goes anyway..
    A bloke walks into his local general store, fronts up to the counter and says " 2 packets of tampons please".
    The guy behind the counter says "no problem, and over here we have our new line of Ugly Stick fishing rods with free Abu reel and line. They are on special today for $100".
    The Bloke looks at him stunned and says " Are you deaf? I only asked for 2 packs of bloomin' tampons".
    Guy behind the counter replies " I know mate, but seeing as how your weekend is ruined, I thought you may want to go fishing instead".
     
  16. Hbomb

    Hbomb New Member

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    Feb 1, 2007
    He looked at the ventriloquist and said “if you try talking to that sheep don’t believe a word he says cause he is a real lying bastard”…..


    Regards

    Hbomb
     
  17. Fullboar

    Fullboar New Member

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    Jan 26, 2006
    lol another good NZ joke
     
  18. Tee.Cee.

    Tee.Cee. New Member

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    lol. I wonder if it's the same NZ farmer who thought the Canning Stock Route was an annual event.
     
  19. Adam Bosley

    Adam Bosley New Member

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    Dec 4, 2006
    A bloke's wife goes missing while they were scuba diving off
    Cairns

    He reports it to the police & spends a the night wondering what could have happened to her.

    Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
    couple of policemen, an old Sarge and a younger Constable.

    The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately
    some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some really good
    news."

    "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news
    first"

    The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead.
    Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft
    in the Reef.

    He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."


    The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a
    bit of a sob.

    After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
    good news is.

    The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
    few really good sized crays and a swag of nice muddies attached to her
    wetsuit, so we've brought you your share."

    He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and
    four or five mudcrabs in it.

    "Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind
    and all that ... Now, what's the really good news?"

    "Well," the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at
    around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up
    again!....you fancy grabbin some stubbies and comin' with us?"
     
    Dickson likes this.
  20. Fullboar

    Fullboar New Member

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    Jan 26, 2006
    lol I like that one.
     

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