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Post a Joke......

Discussion in 'Chewing the fat' started by fisherman347, Oct 2, 2016.

  1. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.

    The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
    The baker doesn’t notice.

    The Kiwi says to the Australian:
    "You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!"

    The Australian says to the Kiwi:
    "Watch this, an Australian is always more clever than a Kiwi."

    He says to the baker,
    "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

    The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats.
    Then he says to the baker:
    "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
    The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.
    He eats this one too.
    Then he says again:
    "Give me one more cookie..."
    The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

    The Australian eats this one too.

    Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
    "And where is your famous magic trick?"

    The Australian says:
    "Look in the Kiwi’s pocket!"
     
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  2. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    How to Replace Mouse Balls

    I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.





    To whom this may concern

    Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.



    If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.



    Keep Smiling
     
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  3. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    Could turn into a "PROPER BALLS UP". Cheers, Lyall.
     
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  4. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    One some might need to think about:

    Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
    Brunette: "I don’t know."
    Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
     
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  5. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
     
  6. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try it with the tongue out," offers the clerk. “Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies.
     
  7. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    With apologies to those with blonde ladies.
     
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  8. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    ha ha the mouse joke was the best laugh I have had for awhile.
     
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  9. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    The Agony of Aging.......

    On the morning that Daylight Saving Time ended I stopped in to visit my
    ageing friend.

    He was busy covering his willy with black shoe polish.

    I said to him, "You dumb old bugger! - You're supposed to turn your clock
    back".
     
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  10. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    Today’s humour !!


    Walking through Sydney Chinatown, a tourist from Bejing was enjoying the scenery of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.

    When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

    'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered.

    'How does that belong in Chinatown ?'


    He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaners.

    But he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball caps, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo


    'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'


    The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back home.

    Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

    The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''

    The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat.

    It name of owner.'


    Looking around, the tourist asked,'Is he here now?'

    'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.

    'Really? You're Chinese said the tourist.

    How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?''


    It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to this country.

    I, standing in line at 'Australian Immigration.'Man in front of me was man from Poland.'

    'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'

    He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'


    Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

    I say, 'Sam Ting.'
     
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  11. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

    Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

    And in the southern hemisphere...

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
     
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  12. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    A couple more bloody rippers boys. Cheers, Lyall.
     
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  13. blair

    blair Well-Known Member

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    ha ha "miffed" to "peeved"
     
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  14. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Thailand:

    In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

    They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward.

    A beautiful naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.

    She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.

    A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle.

    As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them.

    The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons.

    This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity. . .

    The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.
    And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok.
    I bet you never knew this.
     
  15. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

    Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?"

    ************************************

    IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

    1) You can't count your hair.

    2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

    3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

    Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

    *************************************

    8 things I know about you.

    1) You are reading this.

    2) You are human.

    3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

    4) You just attempted to do it.

    6) You are laughing at yourself.

    7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

    8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
     
  16. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria), Coopers (South Australia) and Swan Brewery (Western Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

    When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

    The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB."

    To which the boss of Coopers replied, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

    The bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

    The bloke from Swan asked for a Swan Lager.

    The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

    The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

    "Well, he said with a shrug, if you bastards aren't drinking beer, then neither will I!"
     
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  17. Old fisho

    Old fisho Well-Known Member

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    I like it.

    Someone sent it to me the other day.
     
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  18. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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  19. creekboy

    creekboy Well-Known Member

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    Another good one there, Jeff. Cheers, Lyall.
     
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  20. diesel

    diesel Well-Known Member

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    Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.
    Seamus shook his head and asked, "Why the hell do they do that?"
    "Do what?" asked Mick.
    "Go on them bikes for miles and miles, up and down the hills, round the bends, day after day, week after week. No matter if it's icy, rainin', snowin', hailin' .. .. ..why would they torture themselves like that?"
    "Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?.
    "Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it"
     

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