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Discussion in 'Chewing the fat' started by fisherman347, Oct 2, 2016.
good one Dickson, "FVB" ha ha, welcome.
There's this truck driver heading across the Nullarbor. He takes his eyes off the road for a couple of seconds, thud, thud, he hits 2 Aboriginals, one comes through the windscreen of his truck, the other ends up in a ditch by the side of the road.
The Truckie gets out of his rig has a bit of a look around sees the Aboriginal in the ditch then proceeds to remove the other one out of his truck.
The Truckie thinks ****, there's a Police Station about 100 K's up the road I'll report things there. He finally gets to the Police Station knocks on the door and enters. The Old Cop behind the desk says what do you want.
Truckie I had a bit of an accident back up he road a bit.
Old Cop you bloody truck drivers think you own the road and proceeds to grabs a form from under the desk. Old Cop what happened
Truckie I hit 2 Aboriginal, one came through my windscreen the other landed in a ditch beside the road. Old Cop no problems mate the one that came through your windscreen I'll charge him with break and enter the other I'll charge with leaving the scene of an accident.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? ........What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!
u guys crack me up ha ha, thud thud.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."
This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, “How old will I be when I die?”
His reply was 96 years old.
She said, “Hot diggity dog, I will have myself fixed up.”
She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor’s office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. She walked out of the doctor’s office, started across the street, and was hit by a car and killed.
She gets to heaven and asks the Lord, “What happened? You told me that I would live to be 96.”
His reply: “We’ll I'm sorry, I just didn’t recognize you!”
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
A bloke is driving down the Hume freeway doing 150kmh when he passes a cop car hidden behind some bushes, as he sees the cop car starting to chase after him he decides to boot it and try to get away as he gets up to 200kmh he can see the cop car still catching up to him so decides he is gone so he pulls over. When the police officer comes over to his car the coppa says if you can give me 1 good reason why you were driving so fast and trying to out run me I will let you go. The bloke thinks for a moment and says "Well officer you see my wife left me for a policeman last week and I thought you were him trying to give her back!!!"
The officer closes his notebook and says "Your free to go sir"
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
> A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring
> around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they
> passed a small sandal shop.
> From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
> foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
> So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave
> some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you
> wild at sex.'
> Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
> the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
> being the Sex God that he was.
> The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
> The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
> Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in
> and tried them on.
> As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
> eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
> In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
> over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
> grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
> The Jamaican began screaming:
> _'YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!_'
AN ARAB SHEIK WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL FOR HEART SURGERY, BUT PRIOR TO THE SURGERY, THE DOCTORS NEEDED TO HAVE SOME OF HIS BLOOD TYPE STORED IN CASE THE NEED AROSE.
AS THE GENTLEMAN HAD AN EXTREMELY RARE TYPE OF BLOOD THAT COULDN'T BE FOUND LOCALLY, THE CALL WENT OUT AROUND THE WORLD.
FINALLY, A SCOTSMAN WAS LOCATED WHO HAD THE SAME RARE BLOOD TYPE. AFTER SOME COAXING, THE SCOT DONATED HIS BLOOD FOR THE ARAB.
AFTER THE SURGERY, THE ARAB SENT THE SCOTSMAN A BMW, A DIAMOND NECKLACE FOR HIS WIFE, AND $100,000 US DOLLARS IN APPRECIATION FOR THE BLOOD DONATION
A FEW MONTHS LATER, THE ARAB HAD TO UNDERGO A FURTHER CORRECTIVE SURGERY PROCEDURE. ONCE AGAIN, HIS DOCTOR TELEPHONED THE SCOTSMAN WHO WAS MORE THAN HAPPY TO DONATE HIS BLOOD.
AFTER THE SECOND SURGERY THE ARAB SENT THE SCOTSMAN A THANK-YOU CARD AND A BOX OF QUALITY STREET CHOCOLATES.
THE SCOTSMAN WAS SHOCKED THAT THE ARAB DID NOT RECIPROCATE HIS KIND GESTURE AS HE HAD ANTICIPATED. HE PHONED THE ARAB AND ASKED HIM: "I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE MORE GENEROUS THAN THAT. LAST TIME YOU SENT ME A BMW, DIAMONDS AND MONEY, BUT THIS TIME YOU ONLY SENT ME A LOUSY THANK-YOU CARD AND A CRAPPY BOX OF CHOCOLATES?"
TO THIS THE ARAB REPLIED:
"AYE LADDIE, BUT I NOW HAVE SCOTTISH BLOOD IN ME VEINS."
An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Didn't know what to put this under. But how true
For men only??
Saves $100’s going to the specialists !!!!!!!!!!
A simplified urine test that may be relevant for us!!??
Go outside and pee in the garden.
If ants gather:- it’s diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- it’s prostate.
if it smells like a barbecue:- it’s cholesterol.
if when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- it’s osteoarthritis.
if you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- it’s Alzheimers.
AUSTRALIAN IDIOT SIGHTING
IDIOT SIGHTING 1:
I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so,
and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at McD's in Shepparton Vic
IDIOT SIGHTING 2:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since.
Happened in Bankstown, NSW.
IDIOT SIGHTING 3:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Bauple, Qld
IDIOT SIGHTING 4:
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Castle Hill, Sydney ........
IDIOT SIGHTING 5:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask'.
This happened at Melbourne Airport
IDIOT SIGHTING 6:
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in the Adelaide Post Office, SA
IDIOT SIGHTING 7:
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
Holden Dealership Townsville, Qld
They walk among us...!
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said
'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.
I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and
Get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. .. "
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
A little girl asks her Mum, "Mum can I take the dog for a walk
around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, Dad,
can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked
Mum, but she said the dog was on heat, and to
come and ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and
only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later
with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!!)...………….
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about
halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing
Great one Wally
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Boy: Good! *Walks away*
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."